stuff

Its not that I don't want to update...I just feel like things are always the same. How boring is that to write about?

In Winnipeg I always had a thought to reflect on. I'd write about the thoughts that were milling around in my head...about the stuff I was contemplating in life. But here...the last 5 years...I've lost a lot of that part of me. I just don't reflect much. I guess its because when we moved here, reflection caused pain. I'd miss 'home'. So I stopped. Thinking lead me to sad places...so instead I worked. Creativity became my way of coping with all the stuff I was feeling.

We are in a season of change again. (No, we are not moving...and we can't share yet...so details to come in a while) Its odd, because I'm feeling unsettled or 'unsafe' in a couple different aspects of our lives. And it causes me to curl into a ball and want to hide away. Not from people...because I do think I've been trying desperately to reach out this time...(literally asking people "please support us in this time...spend time with us...we can't be alone")...but just so that I don't have to think about stuff. Good ol denial :) Never lets me down.

Today I woke up, got the kids out the door, and went right back to bed.

I think I'm just tired. Emotionally. And heck...it's not like I'm going through a horrible horrible mess! No one is dying, no one is in crisis. It's nothing devastating...its just change and uncertainty. And that is very hard for me it seems.

When we moved here...everything was different. Everything was uncertain. And I didn't do well. I was alone, and sad, and frustrated that I couldn't find 'home' here. In the last 2 years, its felt better. My family moving here has helped incredibly. I think God did that just for me. I needed something solid and unchanging. Family is that. They never stop being family. Thats a constant that I can hold onto.

Now...with the idea of change...I feel like I've lost my handles. Again...it's good change...not anything horrible. But it's different and unknown. And I feel it to the core.

But unlike the last time, I'm doing my best to keep reaching out to friends....letting them know that I really need to spend time with them. Sadly, the busyness of their lives doesn't always leave them available for connection when I'm needing it most...but I'm not giving up.

Well lookie there. I blogged. Hoorah.