Adventure vs Familiarity

During a talk with my Mom a couple months ago, I told her
"When you move, you find out that familiarity was your best friend!"

It's hard enough to say goodbye to friends and family. It's also hard to try to connect with new ones. It's quite a task, really! I mean....the old ones already know you, accept you, see your heart, know your passion and vice versa. You don't need to spend hours telling your story, or trying to explain why you are the way you are. It's just lovingly understood. It's easy!

With new friends, I find my self terror-struck. What do they think of me? Will they see my heart through my big mouth? Are they judging me? Will they say something to hurt me? And when they do...can I ever trust them again? (One can never be sure that one's heart is safe...) Will friendship be easy? Will they like you as much as you like them?

My natural instinct is to bolt. I hear this voice screaming in my ears "RUN!! RUN!! Get out NOW! If you stay, you will only spill out more of yourself, and risk being wounded! (And face it...if you open your big mouth, you'll say something stupid too!)" Jason is so much more firm. He's so committed. Running is the last of his instincts, but the first of mine. I want to crawl under my blanket, and hope to God that I don't get hurt, or say something that I shouldn't. (Or something that is mis-read).

I'm completely afraid here. Utterly afraid.

But adventure isn't free of risk, right? Didn't I sign up for all this? Didn't I say I wanted to know what life outside of Winnipeg was like? Yup...I sure did. And through it all, I don't regret the decision....because I know I'm supposed to be here. The only problem is : I DON'T KNOW WHY!!!

The things I thought I was leaving behind (Sanctuary, Ministry, Worship, Leadership) still burn in my heart. I kinda hoped they would go away. I hoped my desperation would be happily quenched by some big church with a good kids program. God has a funny sense of humour. (And me? I'm twice as desperate!)

Its amazing how familiarity used to be my worst enemy...and now has become something I long for in hard moments.