Calling out the Treasure

I know, it's been a long time. But I think life is so busy (and Facebook so awesome) that blogging takes a back seat! But today I just had some thoughts to share.

Aila has had some trouble in school. In June, a troubled child threatened to 'slit Aila's throat', and when the school did nothing, we stepped in. This incident has precipitated a lot of changes and struggles. First, we removed Aila from the school because the school refused to remove the child. Aila was just supposed to go back the next day like nothing was wrong. What?! The troubled child was given sessions with a counsellor, other support was sent to "assist her" in how to deal better with her rage issues. But Aila was sent home crying, and nothing more was done. Zero support offered. This was the tipping point for a kid who was generally anxious. But this pushed things to a new level. The following days and weeks can only be described as 'hell', as we watched our girl have what we now can describe as a 'breakdown'. And we were devastated. We not only removed her from school for the remainder of the year, but ended up moving schools completely. (After a fight with the school board, and various notes from doctors supporting our request) The summer was long and full of angst, as Aila had a new anxiety/fear level that we had never seen before. She spent weeks seeing a life-saving therapist. My little girl was struggling so fiercely...and it was so hard to watch.

September came, and she entered a new school. However, anxiety doesn't leave when your surroundings change. So she still struggles with severe anxiety. One of the largest issues is how she responds to other kids. Because of the traumatic incident in the other school, she now is very mistrustful. Her first assumption is to feel unsafe. Instead of assuming she is loved and accepted, she assumes the opposite. What I love about Aila is that despite being hurt, she remains a soft-hearted kid. It's a lovely trait, but it leaves her open to wounding until she matures to find a balance that is healthy.

When there is conflict, or a child isn't kind....she doesn't cope well. What do you do when a kid is mean? When a kid tells her that her wolf shirt is 'dumb', or she is 'annoying'. How can she respond? (besides crying)

"Aila....call out the treasure in them!" I said.

 There is a truth that defuses the hardest heart. Hard hearts are hard for a reason: They have been wounded. A lot.

"Aila...you can help bring healing to a hard heart like this: Look deep into that person. It might be hard to find, but there is a treasure. There is something that is beautiful. Something that is special. They might have lovely blue eyes. They might be good at something. There is beauty in them even if they can't see it. That is their treasure. In some instances, the treasure might have been buried and replaced with a lie. They may believe they are ugly, but the truth...the treasure is that they are beautiful. God has made them special...and that is the truth. We have the ability to call that out! And it looks like this: You look into that person...you find that thing...you reach in....you pull it out....and you hold it in your hands and you show it to them. You show them that you SEE the treasure...and that you see it as special. And you do all that with a simple phrase in response to their negative comments. "Aila, your shirt is so dumb." *wait a few minutes and then return to them* "You are a really great artist. I love how you draw".  Don't give a glib compliment, but find a truth and speak it over them. That's how you call out the treasure. And it will defuse them. Love always wins."

Just talking with her about it reminded me of so many instances in my own life where someone called out the treasure in me. Or when I have searched deep and wide for the treasure in others. It reminded me to daily be calling out the treasure in my kids...in my husband. The power of speaking truth over people...its an amazing tool.

Try it! Love wins.... :)

book

I'm in awe of authors. Someone who can sit down, and not only create a story, but write it out in detail...developing characters, plot...page after page. Its something that takes not just weeks, but months...and sometimes years. I don't have the patience for that.

Yet, in my head, I've always wanted to write a book. About what? I don't know....something funny though. Something about my life. Maybe call it "How hard could it be?" Maybe I should just compile 11 years of this blog...take the funniest posts....about raising kids...being a Mom, losing weight, moving...stuff in my head. But who would read it if it's free on the internet? *lol* I mean....the book cover would be awesome right? haha. And I think I could even find a publisher :)

But do I have anything to say? Or rather, anything people would wanna read? Perhaps not. And yet, wouldn't it be fun?

Its definately something I'd like to do someday. I just need to figure out what to say. And then be dedicated and diciplined enough to see it through.

Quote of the day

"The Honesty game doesn't work if you are the only one playing it."

Unsatisfied

My heart has known You
In a place so wondrous
I can’t describe
Try to put into words
How close You have come
How deeply I’ve known You
Close enough
To feel the heat
To feel the breath
To hear Your heart
To share Your secrets
And there I am loved
Good and bad
As I am
Just me
In Your presence
Longing, waiting, knowing, finding
And now I’m ruined
For anything less
And I won’t apologize
If I’m unsatisfied

Which is more Godly?

Which is more Godly:
to be happy?
or to be suffering?

I'm curious what your (my!) response would be to this question. Sometimes we answer what we think is the correct (or Godly) answer, but in truth, we live a different way. Think about it...what do you believe about this statement, and how does it affect how you live?

Please...feel free to comment!

PLEASE comment anonymously

1) so that we can be be truthful about what you honestly think you believe deep down...and
2) that our answers don't affect other responses based on relationships we all may have to each other



(PS: define the words as you wish...I'm just throwing it out there as a discussion point that raises honest questions for me!)

what do you see?

There is an amazing billboard up around Ottawa. The ad is for a paint store, but here is the jist:

A wide open wheat field...and in the centre...this big white wall. The text under it says
"What do you see? A wall or a canvas?"

I LOVE this ad. Its really saying so much more than we realize. To some, we see an unsightly wall in the middle of a gorgeous scene and think "Ugh...that's horrible!" Others see the same wall and see the potential to be creative.

Life is like that. We have walls popping up all over our lives in different situations. We can pout, stomp, sit down in a snit and complain about how big the wall is, how we can't see over it, how it bothers us, how it could fall down someday, how it blocks our view, how it keeps the sun out etc etc. OR we can get out our paint cans, and make the wall the best part of our lives. Paint it lovely. Make it something you love to look at, make it something so unique and interesting that you couldn't imagine your wall not being there. Because the fact is....as long as you can move AROUND or over it...it's actually not a wall. It's just a canvas. And all you have to do is change your position from in front of it, to next to it...and your perspective can change!

And the only difference? Your attitude...and how you choose to see things.

So what will it be:
Wall?
or Canvas?

Weird or Wonderful?

Take a look at these pretty rings. These are all diamonds. (Did you know a diamond can be different colours?) I particularly like the blue one.

These are fairly expensive diamonds. Around $7,000 US for a .45 carat size. Smaller diamonds are less expensive...a full carat is more. (not including the ring/setting)

Do you think they are pretty? Would you wear one? What if you bought one to remember your Mom, or child who had recently passed away? Nice idea, hey? After all...a diamond will last forever.
Now for the kicker.

You actually can't get one of these rings until you've lost a loved one. Wanna know why?

Because these diamonds are made from your loved ones. Yup.

There is a company called "LifeGem" that discovered that there is enough carbon in just 8 ounces of the cremated remains of your loved one to make a diamond. In fact, from one body, you could make 100 diamonds.

They take 8 ounces, extract the carbon, and then work the carbon with heat and pressure until it is formed into a diamond. Then it's cut and polished by a diamond cutter.

So....are you weirded out yet?

I'm actually not. I think it depends how you view death. Does the idea of death freak you out? Scare you? Does the idea of a dead body give you the willies? Or do you see death simply as a part of life? I kinda just think of a body without life as just the person without a spirit....still and quiet. It don't think it's scary. I just think it's a sad part of living. Its the natural end of living.

Jason and I lived above a funeral home for a while, and both worked there too. I was playing the organ for services, but Jason actually was involved in assisting with embalming and collection of the bodies from hospital morgues. Living around death kinda takes the fear of it away. I think also, that if you've lost a loved one, and held their still hand after they've passed...you see death differently. The person in the bed isn't a 'dead body'. The person in the bed is still your parent, or your child or friend. But I think you have to experience death closeup to lose your fears about it. However, you may not be weirded out by the thought of death....but think that wearing Uncle Joe or "Sprinkles the Cat" on your finger is kinda morbid. And well...okay....you could be right.

Anyways....I thought the idea of a ring was kinda nice. However, dispite his experiences around death, Jason thinks it's totally gross. "We are NOT spending money to pound your dead mother into a ring!!" he stated firmly. (Sorry Mom...he's not into it.) However, if money wasn't the issue, I think I'd still do it in a moment! haha.

What do you think? :P

It's all about the heart...

Lately I've witnessed a couple situations in which people have become offended by the words or actions of others. Since I've been on the outside of these situations, I have tried to stand back and watch the reactions of people who are offended.

Offense makes us say really harsh things. We are so quick to assume the worst about a person. We throw around words like "arrogant" or "insensitive"... "ignorant" or "judgmental". A person who we once considered a friend becomes the recipient of rather harsh character traits.

I've been on both sides of these issues for many years. I've been hurt, and then assumed the worst about people. (therefore, judging their motivation, assuming that the reason they did what they did was because of their arrogance or ignorance) I've also been misunderstood, and had people say horrible things about me....and my intentions.

In all of these instances....there is one common denominator. Misunderstanding.

No, he didn't mean to fatally wound me. She wasn't out to break my heart and isolate me. They weren't really acting out of arrogance, and I wasn't the one they were thinking about when they said that.

I've learned a very important thing:

We must always always look at someone's HEART!

In one instance when I was hurt, I immediately (and naturally) assumed that the person's motivation was nothing but pure evil. Okay...maybe not evil, but they certainly were throwing around words that I was sure were meant just to puncture my innocent heart. They were bad people....I was a victim. Of course, this wasn't accurate...but by the way I felt about them in my heart....you would have thought they had just sprouted horns and a tail.

Firstly....if I had called this person "friend" just hours before...wouldn't that make me a really bad judge of character? I should pick my friends more carefully perhaps...

OR

Perhaps I wasn't correct in my perception. Perhaps they were just broken people, and perhaps their intent wasn't as evil and malicious as I thought. Perhaps they weren't trying to be hurtful, prideful, mean, or push me down. Perhaps they were making the best decision they could in that moment, and it truly wasn't intended to wound me. Perhaps they were just like me....and perhaps they were misunderstood too.

In these situations, I try really hard to immediately take a step back and ask myself "Ok...stop. What is their heart?"

Is their heart really to be a prideful jerk? Is their heart to hurt me? Is their heart really that dark? that sinister? Or maybe...their heart is really quite good. Maybe wounded...maybe fearful...maybe frustrated by life...maybe misunderstood, and maybe feeling defensive. Maybe...just maybe...

It's so important to judge people by their heart....by the good things they've contributed to your life instead of the one harsh word or situation of misunderstanding.

It is really all about the heart...

Curiosity

I love that word. I think it's the key to success in a lot of areas of life. Just simply being curious.

I've always said that you don't need to be smart to learn your way around your computer, or a program. You just need to be curious! Yes, it's true that taking a class is the shortest way to learn, but you can learn just by clicking and adventuring your way through a program. The undo button is a great gift. If you are simply curious, you'll be amazed at what you can learn.

Just this week I had to learn how to do something new in a program I had little knowledge about. What should have taken 1 hour, took me 5 hours. Hit and miss. Click. Oops. Click. Oops. I tried 2 or 3 ways to do something before I figured out the proper way to do it. Now it took time, but it wasn't my IQ that led me to find the answer. It was simple curiosity.

I think that curiosity is also the number one tool in friendship, and especially new friendship.

• Am I curious about you?
  
• Are you curious about me?
  
• Do we really want to know WHO each other is?
  
• Why are we the way we are?
  
• What experiences have shaped who we are?

Asking questions, and being curious about people is how you get to know them. I'm still learning how to be that kind of person, but I want to try to remember to ask questions that let me have insight about what makes people tick. Their Hobbies, their past experiences, family life, etc. I also quickly follow my question with saying "...if you are comfortable talking about that...if not...that's okay" Every single time, people quickly say
"Oh, I don't mind talking about that at all!" If I've learned one thing, it's this: People want to talk....because they want to be known.

Jason and I are amazed at how often we meet new people, and they really don't ask any questions about us. Is it that they don't care? Aren't curious? Not desiring to go too deep in relationship? Are they afraid? Don't want to pry? Hmm... I don't know.....

I once met this amazing woman who always made it a point to look everyone in the eye. At the grocery store....looking the clerk in the eye and saying "Are you having a good day?" and meaning the question. She wouldn't say "How are you?" She'd ask a specific question. If the person was not having a good day, and said "I've had better." or "It's a hard day actually", she'd say something small and encouraging before going on her way. Her desire was to have a meaningful connection with people. No matter how short the moment was. "Just be curious!" she'd say.

So many people walk thu life with little or no connection with others. We don't take 30 seconds to look someone in the eye and smile. When we do that, it says "You matter." When we ask questions about people it says "I care to really know you."

So go on, and be curious!

Rejection

So there's this thing. A contest. A writing thing. Doesn't matter what...

But I'm amazed at how my insides are churning. At how I'm trying not to think about it. But why? Why not think about it? Just don't. Too many yuckie feelings.

Somewhere in my head, I have this huge hang up about the phrase "Not chosen". "Not winning" This thing makes my head scream with "See? Not good enough..." "You're overlooked again" Not winning is translated as "purposely rejected".

And I immediately assume the following
1) the winner will be a thin person.
- all through my life, when I was looked over or rejected in any situation, it was a 'not-fat' person who ended up chosen. Good things come to those who are thin. That lie is ingrained in me.

I remember being 5, and watching my 2 little friends walking hand in hand to school for grade 1. I couldn't go....I was a "baby', only in Kindergarten. They laughed and giggled in their excitement, and I was left standing on the corner. Watching them until I couldn't see them anymore. I felt small. Left out.

The truth was that I wasn't left out, or not chosen. I just wasn't old enough! It was just age. Nothing more. However....it never felt that simple.

....and the thought that is 'married' to that memory "Oh yeah...and ps...I'm fat"

I don't think I was overweight then. I couldn't have been. But in my head I was. I felt I was. I was certainly bigger than the two little stick-like girls who had just walked away from me.

As an adult, I still struggled with these thoughts. If I ever lost anything, or someone was chosen instead of me....it was certainly always the skinny pretty one. The boy choosing the girl with a great body (and no personality), the pastor picking the thinner worship leader....

Of course, I know now that Life is more about how you perceive things, than a series of 'out to get you' circumstances. Logic tells me now that no one was purposely overlooking me for my weight. Perhaps they weren't over looking me at all, after all, I have been blessed with being a part of alot of cool things.

But in my head....I felt alone on the curb. Watching.

It all came down to this though: When did I learn to care what other people thought of me? Why did it matter that I was (or wasn't) chosen? Why was I so distraught when I felt I was invisible?

Back to this contest.
I think I decided long ago that competition was lost on me. I'd never win. I would always lose. Unless I competed with myself. Then I could fight...win...succeed. I never enter contests, I never risk that gross feeling of failure. I don't bother with it. I'm tired of it. I want to feel like I'm okay, and chosen, and not over-looked.

Interesting hey? It's amazing what some thought about a hurt can bring up. I'll need to think more about this. I know I can SEE the lie in all of this...I just need Jesus to show me the truth, and heal it all up.

*sniff sniff*

Smells like Jesus....

His name is Brandt Russo.



We can't all leave everything and live like Brandt, but I sure love that there are people out there who have the courage to do it, and do it well! I live here in the suburbs. And the question is this:

When I step outside of my house...and look down my street...where are MY poor?

This question bothered me for a long time, because I didn't SEE any homeless people on my street, or in my neighborhood. And being a stay-at-home Mom, I couldn't relate to the plight of homeless person. I could love them, and listen...but relationally....it never clicked. It didn't flow from me, like it does for Brandt. You see, I don't ever want to look at people like projects. I want relationships to be living, flowing, and REAL! How many times had I talked to a sniffer at WCV...and thought "Wow...we're just not connecting here. I can't relate to them...they can't relate to me. God...!! I need you to help me! Make this ALIVE for me! I want a true connect...heart to heart....not merely a 'good deed'. True compassion, and not pity."

But one day a couple years ago I realized....that my poor looked different. I had great compassion and passion for "non-homeless" addicts. Those Soccor Moms who are secreting popping pills to escape their pain. Or girls with eating disorders (who I could always pick out of a crowd, because I could relate so much to them). Or kids who need to know what it feels like to have a Mom who loves and adores them. None of these people were on the street, but they were just as desolate...and alone.

So we began.

My poor was the young woman who lived with us for 18 months, so that she could learn what it could feel like to have the crazy love of a family....ease her financial burden, and let us love her broken heart back to health.

Right now, my poor is the little 11-year-old girl on our street who is always offering to help me around my house. (I'll call her "Little K") I taught her how to plant flowers in the spring...and she was glowing with pride after doing a few herself. I told her "Maybe you and your Mom can do this sometime!"

"Maybe...." she said.

During the summer, she was always around....and I got to ask her more about her life. She lives with her Dad, and his girlfriend. They both work, so she was home all day, all alone, for the entire summer. I decided to invite her with us to go school-supply shopping one afternoon, and we stopped at McDonald's for lunch. She said she hadn't eaten there in ....well...she couldn't remember when. I told her she could order anything she wanted, and her eyes started dancing as she stared at the menu board, saying "Really? I can? Even a Big Mac???"
"Even a Big Mac!...with fries..!!" I repeated.

"Little K" told me that she gets to see her Mom once a year. Well...that is....if the drug-testing comes back clean. My heart broke in two.

This week she ate supper with us twice. After dinner, Anneka and Aila went off to play, but "Little K" wanted to hang out with me in the kitchen. She emptied my dishwasher, and wiped the table. I had to hold back tears....because the desperation this little girl has...to just BE with her Mom...to know what having a Mom feels like...is just overwhelming to me.

I can't help her to get her Mom back into her life, but I can be a Mom-figure for her. I can show her how to plant flowers, and how to make brownies. I can treat her to McDonalds, and ask her how she feels about things in her life. I can listen to all the stories she is dying to tell. I can tell her how beautiful she is, and how smart....and how important it is that she always keep her standards very high. That no boy is worth her time unless he is respectful, and honours her. That she can do anything she sets her mind to....and that God loves her passionately.

Justice is this: Making wrong things right...wherever I see them...however I can...just like Jesus would. Once you've seen it, you're responsible. What moves your heart? Start there.

And anyone can do it. Anywhere.

ps...I'm adding something here. Often we avoid the poorest of the poor, because they make us uncomfortable. I'm not saying to find some "other safe poor" who don't make you uncomfortable. Any act of justice will entail you having to step out your comfort zone, and give up something. It costs you something....and that's always uncomfortable. I think it is CRITICAL that we become uncomfortable...do things that aren't easy, try something that doesn't come naturally. How do you talk to a homeless person? Just like you'd talk to anyone else. Don't avoid the poorest of the poor because they make you uncomfortable. When you see them...they are yours. Show compassion and kindness. But perhaps you aren't called to live with them like Brandt. But, that doesn't mean that we aren't ALL called to love-on the poor. No matter which poor we see in front of us....

Toasted

Sometimes I like to share my little bits of neurosis for your entertainment.

One of my favourite fast food places to eat is Subway. (eat fresh!) I like that it's all fresh, not fried, and you can not only choose what goes into your lunch, but watch them like a hawk when they do it.

During each visit, the "sandwhich artist" will look at you and say "Would you like that toasted?". To which I respond "No thank you."

What I'm really saying in my head is "Pft...TOASTED? As IF! I know what you're doing, and I'm not falling for it. I know your game, you scammers....I ain't stupid!"

That's right. I said it. Sandwhich Artists? More like "Rip-off-artists!" Let me explain.

A Sub is not a cheap lunch. A footlong can cost $10.00 if you get a pricy one. So I may enjoy the healthy aspect of a sub, but listen people...I'm STILL DUTCH! I watch to make sure that when I order a 6-inch, I get the biggest side of the bun that they just cut. (they usually do give the largest side) I mean they're not using a ruler, so they have to eye-ball where to slice the bread, and usually, they are a bit off. i'm watching them...

But back to the question of toasting. When an item is toasted, the heat from the toaster basically dehydrates your food...taking away some of the moisture. They dry it out, esentially TAKING AWAY part of your lunch.

This morning when I was fixing myself a bagel, I decided to do an experiment because..lets face it...its pretty clear I have a mental problem. Anyway I got out my toaster, and my food scale. I weighed my bagel untoasted. It weighed 116 grams. Then, I toasted the sucker, and weighed it again. 107 grams! Toasting took away 9 grams of my breakfast! That's roughly 9% of tummy-filling-food. Nine grams of "I-just-paid-ten-bucks-for-this-sub".

I think, that if they are gonna take away nearly 10% of your sub by toasting it, they should give you a 10% discount!

Toasted? No thank you! I'm not an idiot!

Upside-Down Eyeballs

I was gonna give this entry a couple other titles. Like "Suck it up, Princess" or "Bitch Fest"...but I didn't want to sound negative. heheh

This morning, while waiting with the girls for their bus, my neighbor said "Sooo...what do you think of this humid weather!?!" (it's been around 41C/106F with the humidity) "I LOVE IT!" I beamed.

"What??" her mouth dropped open "But it's sooo humid and HOT! Oh...I can't stand it!"

You've GOT to be kidding me!

Did she not just experience the last 6 months of snow and cold? These are the first hot days of the year...and she's complaining???! Didn't we both whine and complain about the snow just a couple months ago? She has central air, as do I. (Those without A/C have full permission to be frustrated with the heat..by the way) This city is a lush green ball....huge flowering trees and bushes, ferns, and all matter of green-ity. (I just made that word up) It's gorgeous! You can wear shorts and a tank top...no need for a jacket even in the evenings. It's heaven after the cold and snow...and we only get until the end of August to enjoy it. WHY DO PEOPLE CHOOSE TO BITCH??

Seriously...what is WRONG with people? Hand them a rose, and they will spend a day talking about the thorn that pricked their finger. (this happened to me yesterday, by the way!)Thorns happen, people....but what are you choosing to stare at?! The band aid on your finger...or the gorgeous flower on the kitchen table?

It's about perspective. You can find negativity in anything....really...you can.

I'm just as guilty of it. I can walk into a church and think about how differently I'd prefer it to be. How the worship isn't as I'd prefer....how the guy doing the announcements annoyed me. I can walk out, sit in the car, and say "Well...THAT bothered me!" It's easy to do. In fact, I've spent YEARS doing it.

But guess what? It shows my great lack of character. Because I DO have other options. I can think about how I had that one quiet moment with God during the last song that made me feel like He and I were alone. I can think about how much I got from the pastor's words. I can sit back in the midst of a worship-time that is not my style...and ask God "God...tell me what you LOVE about these people? Why do You love being here?" and listen to Him gush about these faithful awesome-hearted people who really only want to Love Him well.

Perspective. Upside down eyeballs

And here's what you may not know. Positive people aren't just naturally positive. They have to do a little thing...that I like to call the "Kick your own Ass". There are plenty of times when I have to be my own ass-kicker...look in the mirror and say "Look, princess....this isn't about you." or "Do you want to be known as that person who is constantly complaining?" or "Yvonne....show some freakin' character and stop being negative all the time."

My Inner Ass-kicker isn't always polite. But she's right. She's the Holy Spirit in me....speaking truth. Wisdom. Perspective. It doesn't mean that bad things don't happen. Tragic things. It doesn't mean that I don't sometimes want to stay in bed all day. It doesn't mean that I don't cry at the drop of a hat because I'm overwhelmed with sadness....but....I can choose to spend my day thinking about the thing that one person said to hurt me...or pray, give it up, and concentrate on the 5 people who I know love me no-matter-what.

Have you lost a child before? Count yourself blessed. Are you living with illness? Then you are lucky! Are you without income? (or just waiting for the next for-certain-cheque to arrive...cuz there's a difference between having "no money" and "waiting for money") Did you have a childhood so traumatic that you feel you won't ever have a normal relationship? If not...then wow....how fortunate you can feel.

When it comes to the little things...like the weather....the price of gas.....theological issues that really don't matter much in the big scheme of things....or the thorn that just gave me an owie..well....it's time to flip your thinking. Yes...gas costs more. More than ever in history. And it sucks. But you're still driving a car (or two!) and living in a set of circumstances that only a small percent of the world can only claim. 2.8 billion people are living on less than two dollars a day. You spend twice that on just one coffee at Starbucks (or 5x that at McDonald's for lunch).

So the next time you start to complain about the weather ....please....STOP! Cuz you and I certainly do need to flip our eyeballs.

The Shack

A friend gave me this book to read. She said it was amazing...and I'm always up for a good book.

It's not often the you read a book that makes you cry. A book that you think about for days after your done reading. A book that you NEED to read again, just to absorb it all. This is one of those, folks. It's called "The Shack". It's about a man named Mack who has just had an unthinkable loss, and his journey back to the place where it occurred. (An old abandoned shack) What he encounters is not what he expected. He meets God in the shack.

Now...I'll say that I'm suuuurre there are some theological issues....as there are anytime you write a book where God is speaking. I mean...how can we completely know what His nature would be like? HOWEVER...this book is an amazing experience...ESPECIALLY if you have ever questioned God, had tragedy, loss, or dissapointment with God and/or religion.

It's like fresh air...

Click on the book to see it on Amazon. And if you read it...let me know.

Moving on

Okay...so having Renee move away has been harder than I anticipated. I kinda thought I could just look at the perks, and not miss her so much. By perks, I mean: Having a guest room, more room in my cupboard, an extra drawer in the fridge etc. Yeah...not working. hehe.

Her room is empty, and I keep the door closed. I don't like it empty. I mentioned decorating it for guests, and Anneka got upset. She's not ready yet. She doesn't like when we mention Renee. Ah yes...my little denial clone. "It makes me sad to think about her. So don't talk about her right now." Poor thing.

Otherwise, work has been slow...which is nice. It seems that God knows when I need a break (or a slow time) and my work flow adjusts. Sometimes I just need a break from "pressure to do", and just take some time to "be".

In other news, we've started worshiping with friends once in a while in our home. It's been so refreshing. Its just a small group, but safe. It feels like "home" to have people over. I've always loved that...having people over, but specifically having people worship in our home. I want it to be a place of peace, safety, and encounter. And I think God has been moving in people...which is SO exciting! The more I'm here...the more I realize that I only desire one thing. To truly encounter Jesus, and facilitate others encountering Him too.

So often I'm struck by the realization that I just don't know Him...that I fall so short. I see that I'm so self centred....broken, and consumed with whatever is causing me pain in life. Having people encounter Him in my home focuses me. It gets me out of my own head....and looking outward and upward.

It's a good thing.

Growing

Today I met a girl named Rachel. Okay...a woman named Rachel. She's probebly my age...or close to it. I shared with her about moving here to Ottawa, and how hard it is. I feel uncomfortable. Anxious. Nothing is "the same". I feel my old issues being triggered, as I fumble for a way to deal with the new stress. I try to push the feelings away, because I'm afraid they may overwhelm me. (And who has time for THAT?) hehe.

She could totally relate. She herself is in recovery from addiction. And in that area, she often feels the uncertainty that sobriety brings. How do you function in a world without all that you had to keep you safe? So this is the thought that I walked away with thanks to my talk with Rachel:

Feeling safe feels really good, but you don't grow in that place. When you are uncomfortable you can be sure that you are moving. You now have a choice....which direction will you move? Forward or Backwards? Into the new growth God has for you? Or back to the old 'safe' things that you worked so hard to escape from?

I never thought of the uncomfortable-ness as being a good thing. I just tried to find ways to avoid it. Push it out of my mind, push past it etc. But what if I allow it (as God's process) to refine me? What if I let the fire burn instead of hunting for ways to extinguish it? What kind of treasure could be found in the end?

Lovely sentiment.....but a whole other thing to walk out.

Okay..I just started to giggle. I thought of a great book title idea. "A Pain in the Ash."

Leadership

Leadership is a tricky thing.

I've seen and followed alot of leaders in my short life thus far. There are many that have impacted the way I live and grow. Honestly, I doubt that those people truely know how much they have impacted me. It made me think about how this "unknown impact" can affect people.

I find that sometimes there is a specific thing that male leaders tend to overlook, perhaps because they are men. (I'll be this is why God invented wives, and made them co-workers with their hubbies)

Some male leaders tend to become so vision, goal or ministry oriented, that they forget that they are Daddies.

They may not feel that depth of connection to ALL the people they lead...but they need to realize that the people look to them. It's like nursing two-dozen babies. You may not connect to all of them because there are so many, but for them....you are it! They are looking to the shepherd. The baby will feel deep emotional connection to the source of the nutrition. Men don't always get this 'nurturing' aspect of 'ministry'. So when they wanna move on to another ministry opportunity, they tend to not consider the babies they are making orphans. Unless this is done with tenderness and TIME.....you get wounded people.

This shows the great problems with a few of our North American church structures:

a) by having one person leading a ministry, we propagate an attitude of following a man and not Jesus.
b) Small house churches/cell groups facilitate the ability for the leader to properly care for the flock. (No one person can pastor 500 people! Thats just stupid!)
c) By building a ministry, we can end up making monuments to ourselves instead of pointing people to the real source of their food, Jesus. (Aka: the Word, A life of prayer and devotion)


Ideally, you want one Shepherd, and that's Jesus. But the fact of the matter is that God created the human pastoral gift for a purpose: because He knows that babies need feeding by a human hand as well. But is that human hand consistantly reminding us to look to the true source? And are we as sheep building up leaders as 'rockstar heros' and really making them idols? (after all, that's easier than pursuing a relationship with an unseen God!)

So, all you leaders out there.....remember your Daddy and Mommy glasses. If you are truly in love with the Bridegroom, you will also love what he loves. And He loves ONE THING. The bride. So treat her gently.

Adventure vs Familiarity

During a talk with my Mom a couple months ago, I told her
"When you move, you find out that familiarity was your best friend!"

It's hard enough to say goodbye to friends and family. It's also hard to try to connect with new ones. It's quite a task, really! I mean....the old ones already know you, accept you, see your heart, know your passion and vice versa. You don't need to spend hours telling your story, or trying to explain why you are the way you are. It's just lovingly understood. It's easy!

With new friends, I find my self terror-struck. What do they think of me? Will they see my heart through my big mouth? Are they judging me? Will they say something to hurt me? And when they do...can I ever trust them again? (One can never be sure that one's heart is safe...) Will friendship be easy? Will they like you as much as you like them?

My natural instinct is to bolt. I hear this voice screaming in my ears "RUN!! RUN!! Get out NOW! If you stay, you will only spill out more of yourself, and risk being wounded! (And face it...if you open your big mouth, you'll say something stupid too!)" Jason is so much more firm. He's so committed. Running is the last of his instincts, but the first of mine. I want to crawl under my blanket, and hope to God that I don't get hurt, or say something that I shouldn't. (Or something that is mis-read).

I'm completely afraid here. Utterly afraid.

But adventure isn't free of risk, right? Didn't I sign up for all this? Didn't I say I wanted to know what life outside of Winnipeg was like? Yup...I sure did. And through it all, I don't regret the decision....because I know I'm supposed to be here. The only problem is : I DON'T KNOW WHY!!!

The things I thought I was leaving behind (Sanctuary, Ministry, Worship, Leadership) still burn in my heart. I kinda hoped they would go away. I hoped my desperation would be happily quenched by some big church with a good kids program. God has a funny sense of humour. (And me? I'm twice as desperate!)

Its amazing how familiarity used to be my worst enemy...and now has become something I long for in hard moments.

Habits and Addictions

Definition:
The condition of being habitually or compulsively occupied with or or involved in something.

Strange. When it's a good thing, you call it a habit. When it's bad, it's called an addiction. I was thinking the other day about exercise. Seems to me, often it's simply trading one addiction for another. (Or excuse me, trading one habit for another) Instead of watching tv, you walk. Instead of obsessing about when you can have your next binge, you just obsess about food's nutritional value.

Can you ever stop being addicted? Or do you simply manage your addictions, and make sure you are focusing on 'positive' ones?

So I guess that makes me an addictive personality. Oh yeah, BIG SURPRISE there! I'm an all or nothing kinda girl. Strangely, the same thing that makes me prone to bad habits, is the same thing that makes me a faithful person. I'm 100%. Either way. Let's just say that it's a good thing that I never backslid as a teen, because I'm afraid of the 100%-ed-ness that would have created. This is also the reason that I never drank alcohol as a teen or young adult. Or why I never tried smoking pot. Even as a young person, I was aware of my weaknesses. I'm prone to habits.

So, when I was knitting....I was KNITTING baby! I wanted to get one thing done, just to start another. It's all or nothing. Growing up, this was the same part of my character that kept me going strong for God. If I was going to live for God...then I was gonna do it whole heartedly! (And Loud, I might add) You can't know me, and not know what I love. That's just the way I am.

However, I'd prefer to call my walk with God an addiction. A Good addiction. Because the word "addiction" has a connotation of passion and zeal. You wake up and go to sleep thinking about your addiction. You are compelled! That's how I'd like to live for God.

I'd be scared if my God-relationship dropped to just "habit". That would be scary. Habit is defined as "A recurrent, often unconscious pattern of behavior that is acquired through frequent repetition." Gosh...that sounds boring!

I know people who have a life-long habit of living a "Christian life". Its rarely given much thought or process. Its a pattern. Repetition. Good Heavens.......that sounds like religion to me! Dead, with pattern and repetition only because that's what you've always done and believed, and you never grow past the same point.

I want to run to my Jesus-Addiction like I'd run to any other serious addiction. Why? You can't live without your fix. You know you are unable to live without it.....and your knowledge of your need makes you run for more. Yep. I'll sign up for that.

Finding a Place, Finding my Peace

I think those two things are closely linked, if not the same thing for me.

The last two days have been horrible. From frustration with Ontario Bureaucracy (trouble getting our licenses renewed, trouble with health cards, trouble with licensing vehicles)to a boiling point of frustration and loneliness.

Since moving, I have had a hard time with food issues. Its SO hard in times of stress not to fall off the wagon and eat stupidly. Thankfully, that doesn't mean what it used to..... (I haven't really gained any weight) but it feels chaotic just the same, and it's not the way I should be eating. I feel frustrated, but i can't seem to stop the freight train.

Today two things happened. First, I worked on a book cover that I really enjoyed. It's for a pre-teen book that is really cute, and the artwork I was given to work with was phenomenal. I don't usually get to work on children's books, and I loved it! The bright colors, the fun themes, the rounded fonts. It was so refreshing. It didn't feel like work, but more like play. I felt happy with the outcome, and the author was completely thrilled with it too. (click HERE to view it)

I think it comes down to control. In a city where I feel lost most of the time, and not in control of my surroundings....I feel flustered. It's like being a balloon that has slipped from the grip of a child's hand, and is just floating around, being tossed by any slight breeze. In that state of 'unknowing', the food issues flare up. The emotional issues flare up. In short, my dominoes fall down. Total chaos in my head.

Today, making that book....one little piece came into place. I sure couldn't control the stupid government hoops with licensing our vehicles, but I could create (and complete successfully) this book. No one was telling me I was doing it wrong, no feeling of frustration...just ease and enjoyment.

Then tonight I decided to go for a run. I haven't run since moving here, and part of me didn't want to because I was afraid to get lost, or uncomfortable with the unfamiliarity of the place. But I did it, and I made it back home. I was proud of myself for doing it, and felt like that balloon was slowly coming back down towards Earth, and could see it's string down below.