The Swirl

Today is a "Jammie-all-day" day. Thanks to Lynne, I have a new pair of pajama's that I never want to take off. It's a good thing! hehe. (And when we got of the plane yesterday, the first suitcase I unpacked was the one carrying the flannel comforter-covers that Lynne made for the girls! They were alseep in seconds, and they LOVED sleeping with them! They were cuddled up allll night!)

....in other news....


There is alot in my head. There are more reasons for not blogging than just Christmas. I wanted to blog, but wasn't sure how to blog about the only thing in my head.

You see, a dear friend of mine attempted suicide during our trip to Winnipeg. How do you blog that? How do I blog about it without giving too many details? (My friend does not want anyone to know) Needless to say, I just don't know how to process the whole thing. I didn't find out until a few days later because this friend didn't want to put a damper on my vacation home. However, some part of me knew. I was having bad dreams, and jumping everytime the phone rang. Dreaming about getting the call that this person was dead. So strange. Then the call came. Part of me was ready for it....another part of me crumbled. Call it prophetic, or just really tuned into my close friendships....but it was a tough 2 weeks.

The best part was being in my parent's home. It's always safe there. Their house is set up almost like 2 separate homes. The basement is outfitted with a living room, playroom, 2 bedrooms, and a bathroom with shower. Jason and I could put the girls to bed, and then watch movies...all cuddled up on the couch. No worries, no schedule...just relaxing. It was in this place that I got to start to process the issues surrounding my friend.

It was so great to be home. Home. But having such a great trip made it really hard to leave. We joked with my Mom that we should have had a big fight before we left, so that the tearful goodbye was more like a "good riddance!" hehe.

I said to my Mom

"Can I help it if I'm just so delightful to be around?"
to which she said
"Hey now....why do YOU get all the credit?" hee hee.

Today I'm back in Ottawa, and I don't know how to feel. It's clear that I don't consider this home yet...however my physical house/home is here. Winnipeg feels completely familiar, and yet I have no house/home of my own there. I feel like I'm floating between two cities. Crap, this is hard!

I thought that going home would be good for me....that I'd feel ready to come back to Ottawa. However, that didn't happen. I feel so sad.

BUT I know a few things:

• it will get better. Ottawa will feel more like home the longer I'm here.
• I am blessed to have a good friend here already...and she already loves and knows me.
  
• I've only been here 5 months. I have to give it more time.
• the more I build relationships here, the more connected I'll feel.
• I have to let myself grieve. It's good to get it all out.....so that I can move on.

So here I am. Worried about my friend, knowing I can't rescue them from waaaay out here, and having to deal with the fact that it's never been my job to rescue them anyway. I've had an amazing Christmas, and an awesome time with family....and I'm so thankful for that!