I bleed

If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh?
Shakespeare's The Merchant of Venice

I once was speaking to a counselor who asked me a simple question: "If someone came up to you in the street, and kicked you in the shins...what would you say?"

I thought about that. "First, I'd determine what I had done to that person to cause them to kick me. Did I know them? Had I hurt them? If they were a stranger, I'd wonder what had happened in their lives to cause them pain that would cause them to kick me. I mean...what kind of 'kicking' had happened to them...and....wh-a.."

"STOP!" she said.
"What's wrong..." I asked
"The answer to my question...Yvonne...is this: 'OUCH!!!'"
"Huh?"
"If someone came up to you in the street and kicked you in the shins....you say 'Ouch!'"

Lately I've been trying to do that. Just say ouch. In one circumstance, it worked....and things were smoothed out quickly. In another instance, my 'ouch' wasn't heard, so I tried to be more 'wordy'. That backfired, and I was not heard at all. I've decided that saying 'ouch' was all I could do...and to leave it at that.

However, that one encounter has put me 10 steps back. Last week was such a great week...I felt like I was taking 2 huge steps forward! But then....I feel wounded, and I spiral back a full year in my progress here.

I've found that being a happy positive person, can backfire...because people think that you are all laughs and giggles. They don't know when you are actually showing vulnerability, and don't know how to handle the flip side of my personality: I am not steel. I'm actually very very sensitive. I actually bleed. And when I bleed...I bleed a lot. And all over the place too! :)

I realize that I'm starting over with friendships....brand new. But I value depth and vulnerability. I want to be known, and I want to know others. I'm hitting a brick wall though. Some don't want me to have any vulnerable spots. Some don't want to show me their vulnerable spots, some just pretend they don't have any. Some say they want friendship, and never back up that statement.

Do you know how humiliating it feels to come to the point where you are literally begging for friendship from people? Yesterday I actually sent an email to someone I hardly know...who once mentioned (A year ago) "hey...we should have you guys over!" and never did invite us. I basically begged them to please invite us over. How pathetic.

At our girl's school....I saw someone on leadership at a large church in our area. We had met them before, and our girls are in the same grade...so we began to chat. They asked how we were doing, and I was honest. "I find it hard here...lonely. I work from home, and am so desperate for connection. We went to your church for a while, but found it too large to meet anyone...its come to the point where I just don't know what to do"

Her response? "Yeah...Ottawa is tough."
And she walked away.

She didn't say "Hey...we have tonnes in common...why don't we have you over??" Nope. Nothing. It was if I just didn't exist. As if that moment in her life hadn't happened...and if she even knew it had...it didn't matter. I didn't matter.

I'm tired of being pathetic. And I'm tired about talking about it. But to stop talking about how I feel wouldn't be authentic. It would be a grand "Sweeping it under the rug", and I refuse to be that un-genuine. I've got to be real....honest...true.

How can one city be so cold? I just don't know if I can live in a place like this...