me again

I was reading a blog the other day from an artistic Mom with young children. She was feeling overwhelmed, and wondered if she'd ever be 'herself' again.

Wow...I remember feeling that. I remember not recognizing myself in the mirror. I remember not knowing what my favourite colour was....if I even had one? Did I? Did I used to? Why didn't I know? Why didn't I know much about who I was anymore? All I knew was that I was a Mommy...and I spent my day changing diapers, and fetching juice in sippy cups. (Oh how we all loathed those sippy cups!!) Ah yes...I remember it well.

Now I have a daughter who just turned 11 yesterday!! Its hard to fathom! She babysat her sister this weekend. Jason and I did a 'trial run' and went to a movie literally just down the street. I kept my phone near me. I have MSN messenger on my phone, and Anneka has it on her computer. If she needed to ask me anything, it was as if I was in the next room. But she didn't ask me anything. They were fine. They watched TV, ate popcorn, had a juice box, and played their DS's. Uneventful. I didn't hear from them once. They were fine. I have a babysitting-aged daughter. How did that happen?

And I do feel more 'me'. In fact, I'm a 'me' I never even knew before. This is a 'me' I didn't know existed! I'm running a design company that is doing well. Everyday I have to choose what I do and don't 'like'. I'm being creative, artistic, entrepreneurial. I'm meeting people (mind you, via email and phone...but people none-the-less) who run companies, and they are asking MY advice! They feel I have a voice....and they want to hear it. That is a far cry from where I was 8 years ago, with a newborn and a toddler. Where the only 'voice' I had was one that said "no" 68 times a day, and sang Barney songs till I dreamt about large purple dinosaurs who had stolen the diaper rash cream.

Its amazing how the years change and evolve, and how we evolve with them.

So I understand this blogging Mom 100%. So, I posted a response that actually made me cry when the reality of the last line hit me. Here's what I wrote to her:

You will be ‘you’ again. Once they go to school full time…once they can make their own lunch, once the older one can babysit the younger…you will get to be more of you again.

However, then they don’t want to cuddle like they used to. They don’t need you for anything. You aren’t always ‘right’, and they don’t think you are ‘cool’ anymore. You get more of ‘you’, but lose more of ‘them’. And those cuddles will never be back they way they are now. Those little girls running wild in the house in their underwear, carefree and loud….turn into tweens (and then teens) with a need for privacy and solitude. And the house is much too quiet…and the cuddles turn into 'short hugs' which are now much too few.

And I think that the next time I cuddle with a diaper clad little girl who has my eyes or my nose, or my colour of hair, it will be my granddaughter.

Wow. Pros and cons to being ‘me’ again.