Wednesday, October 15, 2008


So there's this thing. A contest. A writing thing. Doesn't matter what...

But I'm amazed at how my insides are churning. At how I'm trying not to think about it. But why? Why not think about it? Just don't. Too many yuckie feelings.

Somewhere in my head, I have this huge hang up about the phrase "Not chosen". "Not winning" This thing makes my head scream with "See? Not good enough..." "You're overlooked again" Not winning is translated as "purposely rejected".

And I immediately assume the following
1) the winner will be a thin person.
- all through my life, when I was looked over or rejected in any situation, it was a 'not-fat' person who ended up chosen. Good things come to those who are thin. That lie is ingrained in me.

I remember being 5, and watching my 2 little friends walking hand in hand to school for grade 1. I couldn't go....I was a "baby', only in Kindergarten. They laughed and giggled in their excitement, and I was left standing on the corner. Watching them until I couldn't see them anymore. I felt small. Left out.

The truth was that I wasn't left out, or not chosen. I just wasn't old enough! It was just age. Nothing more. never felt that simple.

....and the thought that is 'married' to that memory "Oh yeah...and ps...I'm fat"

I don't think I was overweight then. I couldn't have been. But in my head I was. I felt I was. I was certainly bigger than the two little stick-like girls who had just walked away from me.

As an adult, I still struggled with these thoughts. If I ever lost anything, or someone was chosen instead of was certainly always the skinny pretty one. The boy choosing the girl with a great body (and no personality), the pastor picking the thinner worship leader....

Of course, I know now that Life is more about how you perceive things, than a series of 'out to get you' circumstances. Logic tells me now that no one was purposely overlooking me for my weight. Perhaps they weren't over looking me at all, after all, I have been blessed with being a part of alot of cool things.

But in my head....I felt alone on the curb. Watching.

It all came down to this though: When did I learn to care what other people thought of me? Why did it matter that I was (or wasn't) chosen? Why was I so distraught when I felt I was invisible?

Back to this contest.
I think I decided long ago that competition was lost on me. I'd never win. I would always lose. Unless I competed with myself. Then I could I never enter contests, I never risk that gross feeling of failure. I don't bother with it. I'm tired of it. I want to feel like I'm okay, and chosen, and not over-looked.

Interesting hey? It's amazing what some thought about a hurt can bring up. I'll need to think more about this. I know I can SEE the lie in all of this...I just need Jesus to show me the truth, and heal it all up.

1 comment:

Ted Decock said...

WHAT??? Is this my little girl speaking. Gods gift to us, one of the highlights of our life. We are so proud of you, and all you have accomplished! I will always think you are special in everything you do and who you are. I believe the most important part of your personality depends on how you see yourself. You are GREAT!, Daddy